


A Very Bad Dream

by micehell



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-26
Updated: 2004-02-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Qui-Gon has a bad dream, set to a possibly recognizable tune.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Bad Dream

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on Gilbert and Sullivan's _HMS Pinafore_ , but knowledge of that work is not necessary to read this (though you'll get a couple more of the jokes if you've seen it ;). I have also stolen something from Tom Lehrer, for those who recognize it.

^^^^^^^^^^ denotes start of dream sequence  
++++++++++ denotes end of dream sequence

~*~

"Obi-Wan! Wake up!"

"Whaa?"

"Wake up. I need to talk to you."

"Qui-Gon, it's 3 in the morning. Can't this wait until later?"

"No, I had a dream."

"Well, that's a risk you take when you sleep."

"No, a bad dream."

"Oh, a bad dream. Well, that's different then. It's not the dream where I'm dressed in lederhosen and singing about the hills being alive with the sound of music, is it? Or the one where you die and leave me with an apprentice that I think is a bad seed but I later start dating?"

"No, this is a new one."

"OK, as long as it doesn't involve me being in any strange costumes or stranger relationships, it doesn't sound too bad. You can tell me about it in the morning."

"It was a very bad dream. And sarcasm is not an admirable trait in a padawan."

"Yes, but then waking your padawan up at 3 in the morning to tell him about your dreams is hardly an admirable trait in a master, either. However, as I also share a bed with you, I guess I should take the good with the bad. Just remember that you owe me some good after I listen to this bad."

"Your munificence is overwhelming. But let me tell you about the dream...."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Fade in._

_A large group of Jedi Knights are standing at a landing pad, apparently waiting for transport. All of a sudden they start singing._

'We're Jedi Knights and true  
and attentive to our duty.  
The council's filled with fools  
and yet they call the knights unruly.'

++++++++++

"No singing!"

"But the dream had singing."

"No singing. I personally wasn't having bad dreams and I don't want to start."

"My singing isn't that bad."

"No, it isn't. If you have ear-plugs or you're tone deaf."

"A lack of respect for your master is hardly becoming."

"Yes, Master. But my nice ass makes up for it, doesn't it?"

"Hn. All right, no singing."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Fast forward through the song, la la la, the main import of which is that the Council sends the Knights on stupid, dangerous missions because they won't heed anyone's advice but their own._

++++++++++

"You're not planning to tell this dream to Mace, are you? Because it took me 3 hours to placate him after that hemorrhoid comment and he spent the entire time talking about how he got his saber purple."

"Obi-Wan, I'm never going to finish this if you keep interrupting me."

"So much for that plan. Carry on, then."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Scene shifts. In the Council Room._

Yaddle addressed the Council, "Decide you will today, who new head of Council will be. Choice you have, Master Yoda or Master Jinn. New voting machines, on the fritz all have gone. Use old form ballots, we will. Fully connect the arrow, you must, or else discarded the ballot will be. Tally the votes, I will and then the results you will know."

One by one, the councilors marked their ballots. Yaddle collected them, and then went to her chambers to count the votes. In a few minutes, she returned without the ballots. "The election, Master Yoda did win. The Council, long may he serve." She smiled at him, flushing a darker green when he winked at her.

Qui-Gon left the Council Room looking none too happy and went off to give his padawan the bad news.

_Scene shifts. In Qui-Gon's and Obi-Wan's apartment._

"Yoda won the election."

"It's okay, Master, I love you whether you're head of the Council or not."

"And I love you. But I still get the feeling that something is not quite right. Yoda's been obsessed with funding lately, dangerously so. It's why I ran against him in the first place. I just hope he doesn't go too far in his quest to finance the Order."

"Everything will be fine. It's not like Yoda is going to start selling off Jedi to the highest bidder just to ensure that we meet our operating budget."

++++++++++

"Sorry to interrupt again, but isn't Yoda behaving out of character here. I mean, I can see him getting sneaky about the budget, but winking at Yaddle?"

"I told you it was a bad dream."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Scene shifts. In Yoda's office._

"On your recent election, congratulations are in order." Yoda smiled serenely at the man before him.

Chancellor Palpatine returned the smile, opening his arms in an expansive gesture. "Thank you. I also offer my congratulations to you on your recent win."

"Care you must take in your new position. A horrible fate befell the previous Chancellor, avoid it you should." The smile was still serene, though perhaps a trifle knowing as well.

"Of course. And I'm happy that I was able to provide ballots for you after every single one of your voting machines malfunctioned so suddenly." His smile also seemed a little knowing.

"Productive relationship, I'm sure we will have. About the other, in order all is?"

"I have everything in hand and your funding will go through without a hitch. Provided you keep your end of the bargain."

"Faithful to the Council is Obi-Wan. As planned, all will go."

_Scene shifts. In the Council Room._

Obi-Wan stood before the only councilor in the room. He was pale and shaking as he said, "But, Master Yoda, that's preposterous. I'm involved with Qui-Gon and even if I weren't, I would never go for Palpatine. He's so slimy."

++++++++++

"Hey, the dream Obi-Wan agrees with me about Palpatine."

"Yes, the dream Obi-Wan is just as disrespectful as the real you."

"Thank you, Master. Coming from you, Mr. Always Disparaging The Council, that means so much."

"Hn. May I continue?"

^^^^^^^^^^

"Slimy he may be, but sleep with him you will. Counting on you, the Order is."

"The Order can kiss my-"

Yoda smacked his gimmer stick on the floor. "Qui-Gon's defiance I sense in you. Need that, you do not. Agree, the council does. Palpatine's boy, you will be."

"It sounds so dirty."

Yoda waggled his brows. "If right you do it, dirty it will be. Argue not. As the Council wishes, you will do."

Pale, but resigned Obi-Wan agreed. "As you command, Master Yoda."

++++++++++

"Just because I agreed with Yoda that you shouldn't keep a rancor at the Temple is no reason to make me out to be one of the Council's mindless drones."

"Bob was a good rancor. The two of you were just too set in your prejudices to see it."

"Qui, he ate all the other animals in the habitat you put him in. He tried to eat both Master Yoda and me the day you took us to see him. In fact, he nearly got you that day, too."

"He was just happy to see us."

"Happy to see his next meal."

"He was sweet."

"He was a menace."

"Even so, he was my menace, just as you are my padawan. The least you could have done was agree with me."

"So I should be your mindless drone instead of the Council's?"

"Back to the dream."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Scene shifts. In Palpatine's chambers._

_Palpatine is bouncing in time to music, preparing to sing._

++++++++++

"Qui!"

"Oh, right, no singing."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Fast forward though Palpatine's song, la la la, about how he connived to become Chancellor and how he loves having the power to get the Jedi to do whatever he wants, including getting Obi-Wan in his bed._

_Scene shifts. In Qui-Gon's and Obi-Wan's apartment._

Qui-Gon held a trembling Obi-Wan. "I don't care what the Council says, you're not going to him. He's slimy."

"That's what I said, but Yoda says I have to."

"I knew that conniving, uh, master was up to something. Well, he won't get away with it."

"But, Master, I have no choice. The Council has spoken. I took an oath to obey the Council and I intend to keep my word."

Qui-Gon looked torn. "I also took an oath, but that was before the Council got into the pimping business. I'm going to talk to Yoda."

Obi-Wan started to look hopeful. "Thank you, Master. I really, really didn't want to go through with this."

++++++++++

"Snort!"

"What is it now?"

"Sorry, I just had a vision of the Council all wearing really big hats and velvet suits."

"I was already upset by the dream, I really didn't need anything else to disturb me."

"Sorry, Master."

^^^^^^^^^^

_Scene shifts. In the Council Room._

Qui-Gon paced back and forth in front of Yoda. "I can't believe you would even ask this of him. He's a Jedi Padawan, not a cheap whore."

"With the funding we will get, very expensive whore he will be. Guaranteed funding we get, just by letting the Chancellor stick his-."

"Master!"

"Favorite in his bed."

"Cheap or expensive, he isn't a whore! I refuse to allow you to make him one."

"Head of Council, am I. If won the vote you had, your decision this would be. Since win you did not, decide this I will."

"Decide all you want, it's still not going to happen."

"Defy the Council, would you? Then face the consequences, you will. Under arrest you are until over this is."

At Yoda's signal, a squadron of guards flanked Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon stood silent and helpless as the rest of the Council, Palpatine and Obi-Wan all entered the room.

++++++++++

"So that's what it takes to get you to stop arguing."

"I never argue."

"You're arguing now."

"Well, hardly ever."

^^^^^^^^^^

After a brief but searing look at his master, Obi-Wan stood before the Council, seemingly resigned to his fate. Only a faint trembling gave away his true feelings on this matter.

Seeing Obi-Wan's despair had caused feelings of unease among the other members of the Council, and a low murmur was heard as they started discussing the matter. However, Obi-Wan's reluctance had only increased the Chancellor's desire and his smile grew even more slimy.

Yoda, wanting the situation resolved quickly before anything jeopardized his plans, addressed the Chancellor. "Accompany you, will Padawan Kenobi. Your end of the bargain, keep you will."

"Of course. Padawan Kenobi will come with me tonight and tomorrow the vote on your funding will go through as planned. Exactly as we agreed upon. Come, Obi-Wan. I'm anxious to show you my, um, home."

Obi-Wan surreptitiously wiped his eyes, hoping to hide his tears, but his shaking hands drew everyone's attention to them. Bringing himself under control, Obi-Wan said, "Yes, Chancellor." He turned to follow the other man out of the chamber.

"Wait!"

Everyone turned to look at Qui-Gon, but he wasn't the one who had spoken.

Yaddle spoke again. "Wait. Allow this, I cannot. Confess, I must. When younger I was, switched two babies, I did."

Mace looked confused. "What does that have to do with this?"

"Sorry. Wrong confession. Helped foil the election, I did. Deliberately misprinted were the ballots. Arrows by Master Jinn's name could not fully be connected. Thrown out were those ballots."

Mace looked angry. "What was the real vote then?"

"All votes were for Master Jinn, save 3. Vote for Yoda, did only Yoda and I."

Obi-Wan was curious. "Who was the third vote for?"

"One write-in there was for Master Windu."

Mace quickly took over the questioning again. "Why would you do it? Did you do it for love?"

"Love, schmove. For sex did I do it. Yoda agreed to do the nasty, if helped him I did."

At the looks of disgust on the faces of the others, Yaddle cried, "When 500 years old you are, desperate for sex you will be!"

The general consensus of the room seemed to be that Yaddle had probably been desperate for sex at any age, but no one voiced the thought out loud.

As Yaddle's revelation sunk in, Obi-Wan smiled. "If Qui-Gon won the election, then that means that I don't have to go with Chancellor Slimy."

The guards surrounding Qui-Gon stepped away and he made his way over to his padawan. "No, you certainly do not. Guards, I think you should escort the Chancellor from the Temple. And then you can confine Master Yoda to his quarters. Some time alone there might allow him to rethink his decisions."

Yoda drooped. "Come to naught, have all my plans. And now, alone I shall be."

Yaddle hugged him. "Stay with you, I will." She ignored the look of horror on his face. After all, even a 500 year old had needs and a captive, er, audience would certainly help satisfy those needs.

As the other councilors talked about the exciting events that had just taken place, Obi-Wan hugged Qui-Gon. "I'm glad that's over, Master."

"As am I, my love." Qui-Gon turned as Mace cleared his throat.

"My fellow councilors, we have a new leader. Master Jinn, long may he serve the Council."

++++++++++

"And that's when I woke up."

"Um, Qui, didn't we wind up together in the dream?"

"Yes."

"And nothing bad happened to anyone. Well, except for Palpatine, sort of, but he's slimy, so who cares?"

"That's not the proper way to speak of a Senator, even though it's true."

"Fine, but if everything worked out well in the dream, why are you so upset?"

"They made me head of the Council!"

"Oh, I see. So that's why you had to wake me up at 3 in the morning."

"It was so horrible."

"Yes, Master, I can see how it would be. But it was just a dream"

"But it was so real! I'm afraid to go back to sleep now."

"I know just the thing to make it better."

"Obi-Wan!"

"What? Like I've never touched you there before."

"I'm well aware that you've touched me there before, but I just had a traumatic experience."

"We'll just have to overwrite that bad memory with some good ones. And I did tell you that you owed me some good for listening to your bad."

"Well...."

"How about if I touch you here, instead?"

"Obi-Wan!"

_Fade out to the sounds of loudly creaking bed-springs and even louder moans._


End file.
